I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
