I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
