In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
