Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
