Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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