He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
