First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
