Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
