...so i touched it.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
