soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
