Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
