it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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