hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
