Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE