you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going