angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
