My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
