Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
