I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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