2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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