Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
