Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
