If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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