I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
This baby is an asshole
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
