I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Come see our sink grown plant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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