Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Randomize
