My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
