I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
