Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
