Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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