he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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