My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
