I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
