So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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