I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
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Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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