...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
