One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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