Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover