I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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