Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
