he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
