Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
