hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
