On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
