one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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