i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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