when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
