There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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