So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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