I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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