Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
