watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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