I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im holly from the hills drunk
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
