does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
