**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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