My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Your cock deserves a montage
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
